Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
