whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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