my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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