Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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