dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
