Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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