oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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