If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Randomize
