I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
