I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
