I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
