I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
