i don't like sucking hair
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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