If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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