the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
