If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
