If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
