cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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