I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
