if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
