I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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