Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
This beer is not sobering me up at all
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
