I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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