I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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