i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
My day in three words: secret purse cake
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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