even my farts smell like vagina
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
So here I am, sexting at work.
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