Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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