My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
