ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
