Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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