If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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