Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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