I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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