why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
