Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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