I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
