so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
