I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
