I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
