I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
