the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
