I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My vagina is officially offended.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
