i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
