Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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