I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
