im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
