Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
