He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
