Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
The maid of honor just puked.
Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
