the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
