They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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